I told my doctor I was working on my ‘social components’ when last I spoke with her, I use language that she will understand to mean that I am looking after my mental health as I check in with her on my meds.
So when I said, I was working on my social components, I explained that I was working on coming back on line with Facebook, and blogging (writing), essentially beginning to interact with people again…slowly.
So taking it all in hand meant starting where I felt the greatest challenge and that meant taking Facebook – developing a profile, sending out invites, and deciding on privacy options.
This was really hard for me. Facebook IS hard for me. It’s hard for a couple of reasons. Mostly because the rules are different in me, than what Facebook is supposed to be about. Facebook, by definition is about connecting with people, old friends, school mates, family, new friends, co-workers, etc.
But it’s never been that simple for me.
I’m a boundaries girl; Pretty Woman might be a ‘safety girl’, but I’m all about understanding where the boundaries are…which means a lot of things that complicate getting back up on Facebook or working on social components.
For example, I don’t seek out to friend people, not sisters, brothers, parents, family, or even my ex-in-laws. But don’t misunderstand why…
The truth is…I’m scared, because I don’t know if or where I might be crossing boundaries.
The idea of ‘asking’ someone, especially people I have loved deeply if they want to be my ‘friend’ is heartbreaking. Because they will always be in my heart, and yet there is distance that is hard to bridge. My heart might be in my chest, my soul might expand to fill a room, but my fingertips have not touched their faces, or my arms held them close in years, decades in some cases. I haven’t been there for big events, or small ones, and neither have they been here for mine.
With working on the social components and choosing Facebook to start with, I find myself in strange circumstances. The changes in Facebook and the people I have loved, some of them, MOST of their lives, even from afar, are very visible. I think about them, I wonder how they are, I miss them. I want so much to just pull them all in and hug them, but I remember boundaries. I respect privacy whether they have it on their page or not, I don’t go around stalking pages, I don’t ask any questions. I don’t peek in and send a note. I just leave it alone. And when I get an invite that is not there when I check later, I let it go. I don’t ask why. I just remember that sometimes there is just too much that time cannot erase…and while they might miss me as much as I do them, sometimes, some things…are just too far gone or have gone too far.
In this journey over the last year, I have learned that forgiveness is never simple and never straightforward and sometimes the one you have to forgive first is yourself…for failing, for not trying or trying too hard, for being hard or soft, for not speaking up, for saying too much, for loving too much, for showing too little.
Facebook for me…is an exercise in forgiving myself…for loving. Because love is one of those things I can’t control, and I love deeply but I don’t always show it. So I have to forgive myself for loving so much, in spite of my best effort to remember there are rules to love, frames, limits, and designations…boundaries.
So I pray and I send it to God, because He knows my love is true and comes from my core. He knows I love ‘my people’ because He gave me to them and them to me…and while I will always remember the ‘rules’ I have “to let go and let God…” because I’m already heartbroken and have been for a long time.